Things I am not allowed to do on the TARDIS
by Time Agent Extrodinare
Summary: exactly what it says. A list my friend and i made out of boredm one day :  read and review with comments and thigns to add to the list!
1. Chapter 1

Things I am not allowed to do on the TARDIS:

1.I am not allowed to use the Science lab to clone Jack.

-The Doctor says there's already one too many

-Even if it was Jack's idea

-Especially NOT if it was Jack's idea

2. I am not allowed to use sexual innuendos near Captain Jack.

-Captain Jack will get ideas

-Captain Jack will give me ideas

-Captain Jack is just one big sexual innuendo waiting to happen

3.I cannot flirt with the Doctor

-Even if it's funny

-It would give Jack too many ideas

4.I am not allowed to start my own religion while visiting the past.

-even if I think it would be funny

-I would not be a good god

5. No, The Doctor cannot make himself invisible, I should stop asking him to do it

-He's not on the run from a guy in horned rimmed glasses and a Haitian.

6.I am not allowed to play YouTube videos on the TARDIS console.

-especially not before going up against Daleks

7. I am not allowed to ask the Doctor about Casanova

-he was not Casanova and I should stop implying it

8. I'm not allowed to bring DW action figures onto the TARDIS.

-Especially if the Master has been shrinking people recently.

-Especially if the Master has been shrinking other companions recently.

-Especially if it's the Rose figure that used to be Lauren Cooper.

9.I am not allowed to have girly sleepovers in the TARDIS, complete with facemasks and nail polish.

-Jack will want to join

-the Doctor will NOT want to join

-the Doctor will really not want to join

-I am to stop asking the Doctor to join

10. I'm not allowed to bring cute alien boyfriends into the TARDIS.

-Jack will probably steal him away from me.

-And the Doctor will be jealous because Jack's not paying attention to his cute new regeneration.

-And I really don't want him moody.

-The TARDIS would blame me for it and I'd be scared for my life.

-Hanky-Panky isn't allowed in the TARDIS anyway.

-And the walls are too thin.

-And I can't be sure that he's completely correct down there.

11. I am not allowed to keep historical figures as pets

-even if Shakespeare was hot

-especially not if Jack approves of this plan

12. Doors are locked for a reason

-the Doctor does not appreciate me kicking down his door at 3 in the morning insisting he join our game of DDR

-even if Jack was the one doing the kicking

13.I'm not allowed to suggest hide and seek in the TARDIS, ever again.

-Jack gets too overexcited

-It does not make the Doctor happy when people get lost in his TARDIS

14. I am no longer allowed to pretend to be "the last of my kind" when meeting new people

-The Doctor says that's not something to be joked about

-he gets really touchy

-And I should not pretend to be an alien in front of humans anyway

15. If the Doctor is in an "emo mood", I am not to offer him some of my nachos.

-Nachos will not make him feel better

-next time try fish and custard instead

15.5. I am not allowed to play "Don't worry, be happy" and "Put on a happy face" when the Doctor is angsty or emo.

16. If Jack dares me to press a button on the TARDIS console, I should NOT do it.

-there's no excuse for ripping apart time and space on a dare

17. I should not tell people I'm the 12th Doctor

-he can't regenerate into a woman

18. Anytime someone says "Doctor" I should not yell "WHO?"

-it is only funny the 1st time.

-nor is it exceedingly clever

is specifically not to be said in a crisis situation

19. A one night stand with Jack will create tensions

-even the TARDIS is too small to live with an ex

20. I am not allowed to use the TARDIS to download iTunes and make a pop music soundtrack for my life.

21. I am no longer allowed to sneak up behind The Doctor and say "Are you my Mummy?"

22. I am not allowed to dye the Doctor's hair pink.

-Even if Jack did dare me to

-He would probably destroy a whole planet because of it

-He might not be able to get it out and would be forced to shave it off.

-And I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.

-And besides, when would I have the chance?

23. I'm not allowed to try to drive the TARDIS by myself.

-Because even the Doctor's steering is erratic and he's been doing this a lot longer than I have.

-Because the instructions are in a language I don't read.

-He doesn't use directions

-Also because I might break something.

-And the Doctor says he's almost out of the Venusian duct tape he repairs the TARDIS with.

23.5. Only experienced time travelers are allowed to drive the TARDIS.

-I am not an experienced time traveler

-even if Jack gave me lessons

-especially not if Jack gave me lessons

-The Doctor says Jack is an experienced time traveler but not an experienced teacher

24. I am not allowed to peek in when the Doctor is showering.

-Even if the door is open.

-Even if he does have a lovely ass.

-But Jack said I could look in at him anytime I liked

24.5. I am not allowed to fake an emergency in the console room while the Doctor is showering so he runs out naked.

-Even if Amy finds it amusing as well

25. The Doctor is not a "dirty old man."

-Neither is Captain Jack

-It's not that they object to being called "dirty", it's that they object to being called "old"

-Even though they are

26. I'm not allowed to mention Wil Wheaton anywhere near the TARDIS

-the Doctor saw the Corrupt a wish thread and shuddered

-Jack never cared for him

-WW's NOT Twelve

-and the TARDIS is too much of a ST:TNG fan for things to go well if I do

27. I am not allowed to show pictures of guys I'd like the Doctor to regenerate into

-He says it's "insensitive."

-He has no control over it anyways.

-Jack agrees with me.

-The Doctor should defiantly turn into Gerard Butler

28. I can no longer mess with Martha's stethoscope

-The Doctor doesn't like me examining the pace of both his hearts while at the console

-Jack totally gets a bit too into it when I examine his heart

-I keep forgetting to put it when it really belongs as well.

29. I am no longer allowed to refer to The Doctor as Captain Tight pants

-Even if his pants are a bit tight

-Even if I think they pinch his bum when he does that move where he's got both hands and a foot working various TARDIS controls

30. I'm no longer allowed to use the Doctor's TiVo.

-Apparently it's rude to tape over his history documentaries with I Love the 80s.

31. Jack's no longer allowed to use the Doctor's TiVo either.

-Even though the TARDIS gets every station, there are some that the Doctor is far too modest to watch.

-And it's no fun watching a Disney movie when it suddenly turns into something a little more XXX rated. For the Doctor. Jack meanwhile...

-Nobody wants burn in of porn on their plasma screen

32. I am not allowed to yell "stat" every time the Doctor asks me to do something

-or when Martha asks me to do something

-I am however allowed to salute Captain Jack whenever I like

33. Under no circumstances am I allowed to taunt the Doctor by standing right up close against the walls of the TARDIS with my face pressed against it howling "Rose, Rose, oh noes! Boo hoo I is emo now!"

-Even if Captain Jack started it.

34. I am not allowed to use "but they do it in Torchwood" as an excuse for my behavior.

35. I will not make dirty jokes about Jack in the TARDIS.

-I will wait until we land back in London

-By which I mean Cardiff

36. I will not put bumper stickers on the TARDIS

-especially not if it say "honk a year ago if you're a time traveler"

-"If this TARDIS is a rockin' don't come a knockin"

-"My other time machine is a DeLorean"

-The Doctor does not find this to be amusing

-He thinks my jokes are childish

37. I am not to go back in time and tell myself about the Doctor and how to annoy him

-he says I'll twice the nightmare I currently am

-Jack thinks it would be a great idea

-Another great reason we can't do it

38. Any idea Jack has is a bad idea...no matter how much fun I think it is

-especially if it makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds.

39. I am not allowed pretend I'm the TARDIS chambermaid.

-Even if the tips are good.

-Even if the Doctor likes the mints I keep leaving for him.

- Even if Jack begs.

-Especially if Jack begs.

-Jack's cute when he begs.

-I love it when men beg.

-What the Doctor doesn't know won't hurt him.

-Unless it will, in which case I should tell him. Quickly.

40. I am not allowed to crank-call Torchwood.

-or UNIT

-or anyone

41. The Doctor will not take me to visit Star Trek, Star Wars, Firefly, or any other Sci-Fi book, movie, comic book, and/or TV show, so I should stop asking.

-The Doctor has explained to me repeatedly the difference between fact and fiction.

42. I will not drink the last beer in the fridge.

-The Doctor always has dibs on the last beer.

-Always

-Captain Jack has also been informed of this.

43. I will not throw wrenches at out allies and call it 'Dalek-Dodge Training'

-Even if Rory was being stupid again

-Especially if The Doctor or Amy are not around

-I will especially not laugh when one actually hits him

44. The Doctor is not going to sing 'A whole new world' to me, and I should really stop asking

-Not even if Amy wants to hear too

-it's not that he's a bad singer

-he just doesn't like to

45. If the Daleks shout 'Exterminate', I will not shout back 'Once more, with feeling!'

-Fighting with Daleks is not a game and they will kill me

-If they can catch me

-The Doctor says I'm not fast enough to get away and I am not an Olympic track runner anyway

-The Doctor is always right

46. Also, when the Daleks say my race is inferior, I will not respond with 'I know you are but what am I?'

-as previously mentioned fighting Daleks is not a game

47. I will stop demanding we go and find Waldo

-Or Carmon Sandiago

-The Doctor says they are both in concealed locations and he's not allowed to show me

-I will stop saying that he just doesn't know where they are

48. Danger is not my middle name, even if the psychic paper says so

-Even if the Doctor has yet to explain to the new companion the function of the physic paper

-It was only funny the first time

49. I am not allowed to encourage the Doctor to lick things for scientific purposes.

-I am not allowed to pounce on the Doctor after failing to adhere to the previously mentioned

50. I am not allowed to ask him what else he has two of.

-I am certainly not allowed to make it a regular joke of mine

-if he did have more than one of something else I do not need to know

51. I am not allowed to leave the TARDIS in a Star Trek uniform and pretend I'm on an away mission.

52. I am not allowed to ask for a Sonic Lightsaber

-Star Wars was fictional

-Besides there is no such thing

53. I am not allowed to hide misplace the Doctor's laundry.

54. I am not allowed to say what the TARDIS really sounds like cranking...

-Nor am I allowed to say what the console reminds me of...

-I'm just not allowed to talk about the console room in general

55. I am not allowed to replace the Doctor's boxers with ones that have bananas on them

-Same goes for ties

-Socks too

-I am just not allowed in his wardrobe period

56. I am not allowed to taunt the Doctor about having poor vision until he starts to wear his Brainy Specs all of the time.

-I am also not allowed to tell him he looks so cute with the specs that he should wear them all of the time.

-He doesn't need any more of an ego boost

-Saving the world every day does enough for that

57. I am not allowed to draw brainy specs on the Doctor's face while he is sleeping

-Sharpie is semi-permanent and he does not enjoy spending hours scrubbing it off his face

-I am not allowed to make fun of how red his face is after having spent hours scrubbing sharpie off his face

58. I am also not allowed to draw 'Property of (My name)' on his face while he is sleeping.

-In fact, I am not allowed to draw on the Doctor, whether he is sleeping or awake

59. I am not allowed to mention the word 'timecock'

- I am certainly not allowed to express interest in it or ask to see it

-I am not allowed to cover up for my use of the word 'timecock' by trying to claim it refers to a male chicken who can travel through time.

60. I am not allowed to inquire about the Doctor's hair care products

61. I am not allowed to run my fingers through the Doctor's hair without his permission.

62. I am not allowed to treat the Doctor's hair as if it is my own personal pet.

-It's disturbing to go around talking to someone's hair like it's going o respond to you

-The Doctor does not enjoy having me put dog treats on his head

63. Naming the Doctor's hair "Sparky" is not acceptable either.

64. I am not allowed to have a pet Dalek on board.

-Especially not if I plan to have said pet Dalek exterminate Rose

-or Martha

-or Donna

-or any of the Doctor previous/present companions for that matter

65. I should not taunt the Doctor about how Amy is ginger and he's not

66. I should also not dye my hair ginger and go around with Amy telling people we're twins

-Even if she likes the idea

-Especially not if Rory approves as well

67. I'm not allowed to travel back in time and spoil the Harry Potter ending for everyone.

68. I am not allowed to run around the TARDIS singing "Dr. Doctor" by Building Rome

-It is not amusing

-I am not taking drugs anyway -hopefully- so no it doesn't go along w/the song

-The Doctor cannot give me proper medical advice for drug addictions anyway

69. I will not snap the Doctor's suspenders

-It makes him think naughty things

-and we don't need that

-we all know the Doctor is not allowed to have a sex drive

-it's simply not possible

-he's wayyyy too old for such things

-even though he is incredibly sexy ;D


	2. Chapter 2

**a/nL so i've seen that i've gotten quite a few reviews on both of my thing's I'm not allowed to do... "stories" and have decied once I get twenty five more of your own suggestions for additions to the list I will post another chapter and of course there will be some of my own original ones thrown in there to make it worth everybody's while ;D**

**Also I'd like to invite everyone to read any of my Torchwood and Doctor Who fanfictions because they are terribly lacking in reviews which makes me sad D:**

**But thank you to eveyrone who had already reviewed :)**


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